Witty, Wacky Wednesday!

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this: I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

Witty, Wacky Wednesday!!

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

Witty, Wacky Wednesday!

Men are like.....Recliners.
You pull the lever and they lay back

Men are like.....Curling irons.
They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like fires.
They go out if unattended!

How can you tell if your husband's dead?
Sex is the same but you get the remote

How do we know men invented maps?
Who else would make an inch into a mile?

Why is dating like a game of cards?
Because if you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

What's the nicest thing about a nudist wedding?
You don't have to ask - you can see who the best man is.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST............

Where is the best place to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
In the pages of a romance novel

Witty, Wacky Wednesday!

You Know You've Been Drinking Way Too Much Coffee When.....

• Juan Valdez named his donkey after you. 
•  
• You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
• The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.
•  
• You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in. 
•  
• Charles Manson thinks you need to calm down
•  
• You channel surf faster without a remote. 
•  
• You name your cats "Cream" and "Sugar."
• You can outlast the Energizer bunny. 
•  
• You short out motion detectors. 
•  
• Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
• You help your dog chase its tail. 
•  
• You're up to four heart attacks a day.
• Your coffee mug is insured by Lloyd's of London.
• You think CPR stands for "Coffee Provides Resuscitation." 
•  
• Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.
• You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize: you left your car at home!

Witty, Wacky, Wild Wednesday!

You Know You're Having a Bad Day When...

Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels motorcyclists.

You've been at work 3 hours before you notice that your blouse unbuttoned.

Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

You call the suicide prevention hotline and they put you on hold.

You have to sit down to brush your teeth in the morning.

Your income tax refund check bounces.

The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/husband.

You put both contacts into the same eye.

Your mother approves of the person you're dating.

Your doctor tells you that you're allergic to chocolate.

You have to borrow from your Visa card to pay your Mastercard.

You invite the peeping Tom in... and he says no.

People think that you're 40 and you're only 25.

You call your spouse and tell them that you'd like to eat out tonight and when you get home, your find a sandwich on the front porch.

You start to put on the clothes that you wore home from the party last night...... and there aren't any.

It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

Wild, Wacky, Witty Wednesday!

Top Ten Reasons You Know If You Have PMS 

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You call every "How's my driving?" bumper sticker number to complain.

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The Ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Witty, Wacky Wednesday!

Hope everyone has a stress-free Thanksgiving!

Witty, Wacky, Warped Wednesday!

Top 10 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

10. Ya, know. There's big money in kidneys. And this guy has two......

9. There go the lights again.

8. Oops. Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

7. Oh, no. Where's my Rolex?

6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... that sharp thingy there.


5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? 


4. Bo! Bo! Come back with that. Bad dog!

3. Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness.   

2. Hold this while I try to remember where it goes.

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. 

Wild, Wacky, Witty Wednesday!

Top Ten Signs Your Amish Teenager Is In Trouble

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 a.m.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "KISS" makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh."

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."

4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.

3. Uses slang expression, "Talk to the hand, 'cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for driving under the influence of store-bought milk.

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.

Wacky, Wild, Witty Wednesday!

TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED...

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."

4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.

5. You want to see if it's like the dream.

6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.

7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.

8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.

9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.

10. No one steals your chair.

Wild, Wacky, Warped Wednesday!

10 Things That Sound Dirty On Halloween, But Aren't...

1. So...What'd you get in the sack?

2. Once you get under the sheet, start moaning and groaning!!!

3. Just hop on that broomstick and ride it!

4. Those small suckers are gone in a few licks!

5. I got the best piece from that house.

6. Quit screwing around on the porch!!!

7. Stick your hand in and guess what you're feeling....

8. It was so filled and heavy, I had to use TWO hands!!

9. They'll suck you dry if they get their teeth in you.

10. I bobbed and bobbed, but couldn't get my mouth around it!

Wacky, Witty, Warped Wednesday

Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never
seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in
the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"